By Jen
Before I get started, I want to apologize for any disruption I might have caused this morning with the rustling of my bag. This quilt here could not have been made today without community. In short, it represents my Buddhist practice. I will explain briefly.
I’ve never sewn before in my life, except for maybe a button. It takes courage to start a new activity. I had professional help and supportive new friends. It was tiring, not knowing what exactly I was doing, like my practice at times. But I continued because I believed something would follow.
As I grew in this skill, I noticed the late nights at the sewing machine, sewing, sewing, sewing. As I was listening to the machine and to an audiobook, I would find my house very still and quiet. And at times I’d find myself spontaneously connecting with the stillness of the house. Quietly, just sitting, for 10 minutes, really never timing myself. I just sometimes at night find myself just wanting to sit and be still.
There’s a quote I read every day: “Within you, is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time.” By Hermann Hesse. That tells me I can stop at any time. Stillness is all around.
As I quilt into the night, I realize each stitch is a breath. Be present, and mindful, or you will sew the wrong side of the fabric together. Be mindful so you don’t have an accident with the machine. Be mindful, so I can enjoy my new hobby.
As I was young, I superficially thought happiness is out there. Almost everything in our culture tells us happiness is out there. But at some instinctive level, I knew that wasn’t true, but I didn’t know what that meant or what to do or how to grasp it, if it is you can grasp it. And I go, what is that? The first time I ever tried meditation I was 18 years old. I nearly climbed the walls, I was so ridden with anxiety. At that time I was in really bad shape, and very wounded and troubled from a very traumatic childhood.
Like sewing, I knew nothing about meditation, but I felt I needed to find a practice. I sat with other Buddhist groups before landing here. But at the time, my past practice was exactly what I needed, until it was not.
So why do I practice? It’s simply to be still. Nothing to gain, nothing to lose, just stillness, nothing to do, nothing to be, just stillness. Thank you.
Hakone Zendo 