By Nan
Good Morning! I have been a part of Hakone Zendo for over three years, and I also attend meditation with other centers. Last January, I had the opportunity to attend a week of noble silent retreat at a farm with another local meditation group.
This experience reminded me of Jon Kabat-Zinn’s saying, “Wherever You Go, There You Are.” During the first day of the retreat, when I entered the zendo, all the zafus and zabutons were taken, and I ended up sitting on a chair and sometimes on a sofa. This was not what I had envisioned myself doing for a whole week of noble silence. Needless to say, I had a challenging time conceptualizing how I would get through this week in such a different arrangement. I felt some tension inside my body as I experienced “zafu envy.”
I was very distracted, since the environment was all new to me, with practitioners bringing their own props into the zendo. Some people had yoga props, some had extra cushions or pillows. Some of them would, out of the blue, stand up and stretch in the middle of meditation.
I said to myself…
“Whooooa, what is going on here?” My mind was so restless. I was also very exhausted every day, waking up at 5:45 AM and meditating, sitting and alternating between chair and sofa by 6:15 AM until 9 PM. This was difficult, but I kept coming to the zendo to meditate every day.
Every single day consisted of my monkey mind wondering, what environment am I in, and this intense adjustment to an unfamiliar sitting arrangement? What to do? I was here, so I stayed and sat and sat. Just sat.
Several days later, with all the noise in my mind about how uncomfortable this new environment had been for me, I gradually realized how much I was struggling with myself. After all, sitting is sitting. I take myself wherever I go. My mind was so full of noise that I forgot how beautiful this noble silence experience was—being in a sangha regardless of the sitting environment.
I had to let go of my own expectations of how a zendo is supposed to be arranged. I was then able to begin sitting and just be sitting. During the walking meditation, I immersed myself in life at the farm. I sat under an oak tree, then visited the barn. I passed by the goats who were having their meal that day. One goat stopped eating when he saw me watching him. I then realized, hmm… how would I feel if someone kept staring at me while I was eating? So I stopped watching him. After all, we all want to experience our silent moments, and that includes silent dining.
I then returned to my sitting and experienced a deeper sense of my practice. I became more aware of myself, the sangha, and the sentient beings around me.
Silence comes from my heart, not from the presence of a zafu or familiarity in my environment. Now, I continue to be mindful of letting go of expectations in my mind and begin to appreciate the wondrous sounds of life to be heard. I can begin to sit deeply and authentically. After all, wherever I go, there I am!
Hakone Zendo 